First He looked confused by Tukarum

[liz-uk.livejournal.com]

 

I could not lie anymore so I started to call my dog "God."
First he looked
confused,

then he started smiling, then he even
danced.

I kept at it: now he doesn't even
bite.

I am wondering if this 
might work on
people?

 

 

From “Love Poems From God” by Daniel Ladinsky.
Copyright © 1999 by Daniel Ladinsky. Reprinted by permission of the author.

Comments

[liz-uk.livejournal.com]

He arranges them the same and the Genre is subject to creating the same sort of ambience. However, it would be good if we had othr translators to compare him against.


I could not lie anymore so I started to call my dog "God."
First he looked confused, then
he started smiling, then he even danced.

I kept at it: now he doesn't even bite.
I am wondering if this might work on
people?

[gh0stmeat.livejournal.com]

i like this one's cuts more.

[liz-uk.livejournal.com]

It's my editing - to show how it alters one's perception of it. It makes it more immediate and 'colloqial'?

i'm getting annoying & technical:

[gh0stmeat.livejournal.com]

to begin with, it's not enjambed like the original. the first one's line cuts don't bring anything new to the poem; i'd rather have a complete thought in a line. not exactly colloquial -- maybe natural?

Re: i'm getting annoying & technical:

[liz-uk.livejournal.com]

That's what I was aiming for. I don't know why landinsky arranges all of his translations as he does. It seems a bit 'precious'.?

Re: i'm getting annoying & technical:

[gh0stmeat.livejournal.com]

that's a good word. (:
yes, the centering throws me off as well; maybe it's a personal thing, but i find it difficult to take poetry seriously when it's arranged that way.

Re: i'm getting annoying & technical:

[liz-uk.livejournal.com]

Quite. It seems to be trying to make the poem more than it is when it can stand on its own. I only find it acceptable when used by someone like George Herbert for one of his meditations on the cross where he arranges the poem to appear in cruciform. Even there it seems suspect - but itworks within the poet's style.